Alternative Words

[Richard Fairhurst]

One of our tenors (who wishes to remain anonymous) wrote this set of alternative words to go with a certain worship song which we had this morning. Enjoy. (In the true spirit of worship songs, you'll have to mangle the lines to get the words to fit.)

 

I Am A New Creation

 

1.

I am a new creation,

But I can't hack this syncopation,

Doubtless my efforts will be panned.

 

No crescendo or dynamics,

Dotted quavers? My heart panics,

In the wrong places my notes land.

 

And I will get it wrong,

Throughout the whole day long,

And I will moan, of what Dave Bilbrough's done.

 

His song is getting me madder,

Feel like shoving him off a ladder,

There in the nettles he will land.

 

2.

It's hard to sing salvation,

Creased with rhythmic constipation,

So no ovation comes to hand.

 

Can't we scrap this crap cadenza?

I'd rather have influenza,

It really, really should be banned.

 

And I can't sing it true,

No matter what I do,

But I will try, to bulldoze my way through.

 

Fourth time, how am I faring?

Straight at me Denise* is glaring

Oh please just bury me in the sand.

 

Extra chorus to end

 

And I will waver on,

Although that quaver's gone

And left me high, and dry and out of time..

 

Does the note stop, or tie over?

Time to leap from the cliffs of Dover,

Not quite the ending I had planned,

Not quite the ending I had planned...

 

(* - choir leader)

[Davidb]

I like it

 

there are some old warhorses in this respect such as 'Sit down sit down for Jesus, cause the people at the back can't see' and 'all things bed and breakfast, all things in a hotel.'

 

etc

[Vox Humana]

These are quite well known, but I do like them.

http://www.gundulf.org.uk/html/choir_humour.html

[Guest Barry Williams]

These are quite well known, but I do like them.

http://www.gundulf.org.uk/html/choir_humour.html

 

 

At one time there was a 'Ten Commandments for Organists' doing the rounds. I remember a few :

 

"Thou shalt neglect the organ works of J S Bach as some ministers neglect the hymns of Charles Wesley"

 

"Thou shalt not unwrap thy caramels noisily during the long prayer"

 

" Thou shalt not play overlong voluntaries during the offertory, for the minister holds him not guiltless who keeps him waiting with a heavy plate in his hand!

 

Does anyone know the others please?

 

Barry Williams