Best Ways To Fuse A Clavinova?

[Guest delvin146]

?

[Nick Bennett]

? 

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Set it to meantone temperament and play Rachmaninov

[Pierre Lauwers]

I had an english Bulldog that could break a stereo amplifier

into several parts, halve a car steering wheel and eat a hand-brake

lever -no joke, she did-.

So the procedure is obvious; Bulldogs hate to be alone, suffice then to

present the Clavinova to the dog and leave them alone in a room for

some time.

 

Pierre

[Guest delvin146]

I had an english Bulldog that could break a stereo amplifier

into several parts, halve a car steering wheel and eat a hand-brake

lever -no joke, she did-.

So the procedure is obvious; Bulldogs hate to be alone, suffice then to

present the Clavinova to the dog and leave them alone in a room for

some time.

 

Pierre

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Let's hope the bulldog idea's more effective than a good dose of holy water down the back. This thing's indestructable, no MDF soundboards here, it even survived a direct lighning strike to the church when it was hit plugged in, some years ago. Paper clip bent round the end of + - mains plug (like cassette recorder lead) worked last time to fuse it, when touched on the contacts. This time it doesn't work

[Phil T]

Let's hope the bulldog idea's more effective than a good dose of holy water down the back. This thing's indestructable, no MDF soundboards here, it even survived a direct lighning strike to the church when it was hit plugged in, some years ago. Paper clip bent round the end of + - mains plug (like cassette recorder lead) worked last time to fuse it, when touched on the contacts. This time it doesn't work 

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I'm not sure what you want to achieve? The fuse in the plug is deigned to protect the machine and it’s user. The fuse should blow (if you short out the power lead) leaving the electronics intact.

[MusingMuso]

I'm not sure what you want to achieve?  The fuse in the plug is deigned to protect the machine and it’s user.  The fuse should blow (if you short out the power lead) leaving the electronics intact. 

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==============

 

This is what to do.......

 

1) Open up said Clavinova and locate low-voltage fuse after transformer stage.

2) Attach large battery-charger type spring-clip across fuse, with lead.

3) Find the negative terminal (-) of the circuit-board and attach similar clip.

4) Attach one lead to the coil output terminal (high voltage) and the other to the (-) low voltage terminal of said coil.

5) Attach separate wires to coil as marked (+) and (-)

6) Attach (-) lead to 12v car-battery earth

7) Remove any metal watch-straps, bangles, gold rings or other "bling bling" from hands

8) Engage manic grin

9) Attach the remaining lead to the car battery (+) terminal briefly

10) Remove leads from battery, then remove all evidence; carefully re-assembling Clavinova remains and replacing all screws/fuses.

 

*WARNINGS*

 

DO NOT LEAVE BATTERY LEADS ATTACHED

 

DO NOT DO THIS IN REVERSE ORDER OR YOU MAY DIE

 

DO THIS AT NIGHT WHEN THERE IS LITTLE CHANCE OF BEING DISCOVERED

 

If this fails to work, throw said Clavinova on back and stamp on it, then break clear-glass church window, leaving by the vestry-door and going immediately to the pub to establish alibi.

 

Go home and await frantic telephone call from clergy/wardens/cleaners/police.

 

Practice your measured response, "Oh my God! That's awful!"

 

 

MM

[Phil T]

==============

 

Go home and await frantic telephone call from clergy/wardens/cleaners/police.

 

Practice your measured response, "Oh my God! That's awful!"

 

 

MM

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I was trying to avoid anything like that.

 

It depends why you want it fused?

 

Some glue carelessly spilt on the keyboard would be a safer alternative. Salt water never properly dries out, the list is endless.

[Vox Humana]

Fresh orange juice has proved very effective on my computer keyboard in the past. Maybe that would work?

[Pierre Lauwers]

Or ask a french teenager, they know of quite efficient ways to put

the fire in the most unexpected places and things.

 

Pierre

[Guest delvin146]

I was trying to avoid anything like that.

 

It depends why you want it fused?

 

Some glue carelessly spilt on the keyboard would be a safer alternative.  Salt water never properly dries out, the list is endless. 

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Some excellent suggestions on here thanks!

 

Basically the reason I want it fused is because the rather hostile worship group use it. Yes, someone who did a music degree at a major London college a couple of centuries ago runs it. She was hostile to the idea of improving the choir, she wanted the organ out because it was too quiet (actually a very pleasant organ perfectly adequate and in very good order), and she likes Sanki (have I spelt that right) and GK. She plays piano badly, and won't touch the organ.

 

By disabling the worship group's clavinova they'll be left solely with a solo tambourine and a guiro to accompany their nasties on.

[MusingMuso]

It depends why you want it fused?

 

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====================

 

Best not to know!

 

We don't want to estabish a motive, do we?

 

MM

[Guest delvin146]

====================

 

Best not to know!

 

We don't want to estabish a motive, do we?

 

MM

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Blow up the clavinova in the full moon and upon our solemn feast day

[Pierre Lauwers]

And what happened to the true organ?

 

Pierre

[Guest delvin146]

And what happened to the true organ?

 

Pierre

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Ah the true organ is still there barely touched by the hands of time, and in her former tracker glory still faithfully rendering praise on an (almost) weekly basis. All 8 stops of her!

[Pierre Lauwers]

So the only crucial matter is safe!

Now the Clavinova may go towards a peaceful rest everyone

here will wish long, long, very long (Who said "rust in peace"?)

Anyway, these things never last long; it would be just a little

help. No more. What a shame they are so difficult to recycle!

They should be mandatorily biodegradable.

What about a petition to the EC? They could imagine a series

of rules nobody else on Earth could be able to "better"!

 

Pierre

[Phil T]

Try a thin sliver of tape wrapped around the live or neutral pin (of the plug). If you cut it just right, you can’t see the tape but it stops anything working. Few people every suspect the lead, the fuse may be, but not the lead. I tried it once on a TV in a shared room when I was on nightshift. A room of electricians and not one of them guessed.

[MusingMuso]

Some excellent suggestions on here thanks!

 

Basically the reason I want it fused is because the rather hostile worship group use it. Yes, someone who did a music degree at a major London college a couple of centuries ago runs it. She was hostile to the idea of improving the choir, she wanted the organ out because it was too quiet (actually a very pleasant organ perfectly adequate and in very good order), and she likes Sanki (have I spelt that right) and GK. She plays piano badly, and won't touch the organ.

 

By disabling the worship group's clavinova they'll be left solely with a solo tambourine and a guiro to accompany their nasties on. 

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===================

 

Ah! You didn't mention this.....

 

This is what to do.

 

PLAN B

 

1) Smear glycerine on Clavinova keys and stool and buff to a polished finish.

2) Spread the rumour that the Clavinovist graduated from the Brixton Academy

3) Learn Zeff Conray's "Dizzy fingers" and play this as a final voluntary

4) Tell everyone how much your grandmother loved Sankey and the music of Graham Kendrick

5) Try and introduce buzz-words into every conversation, such as "old style" and "old familiar tunes".

6) Demonstrate your superior comtemporary knowledge with liberal references to "Organ Bass", "Indi", "Bass Line" and "Trance" music

 

To further undermine the self-confidence of said woman, pay compliments to her hairstyle and dress sense, at the same time suggesting that "Young people just don't have the same sense of style."

 

Question her hearing by suggesting that the Clavinova is "way out of tune".

 

If she is a confirmed spinster or a dedicated housewife, send anonymous Valentine's Day cards with roses, with a collage of printed letters glued to the card, suggesting that she has a secret admirer at church.

 

Three months of this, and she will become increasingly paranoid and seek spiritual refuge elsewhere.

 

If the above measures fail, there is always the expedient of 'Warfarine' in the church sugar-bowl, which should be handed to her with a smile and with the spoon handle pointing towards her. When she has used the bowl, you slip and drop it, get the church vacuum cleaner and clear up meticulously.

 

If all the above fails, I know a chap who did 25 years for something or other, but his fees are a little steep I'm afraid.

 

 

MM

[Vox Humana]

If all the above fails, I know a chap who did 25 years for something or other, but his fees are a little steep I'm afraid

Hmph! Down here you can get the job done for the price of a top-of-the-range clavinova. So I'm told. If you can't run to that, you can always try the cheapskate version. Tell her you yourself have done 25 years for something or other. After first telling her about how on the way to church you stopped to listen to all the tweetie birds praising their creator at the tops of their voices.

[MusingMuso]

Or ask a french teenager, they know of quite efficient ways to put

the fire in the most unexpected places and things.

 

Pierre

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================

 

We have our own Pierre, and when they get back from Germany...........

 

MM

[Pierre Lauwers]

================

 

We have our own Pierre, and when they get back from Germany...........

 

MM

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......They'll need to *metabolize" their hectolitres of Bitburger Pils

first, before being able to fire the thing not the church itself.

 

Pierre

[Colin Harvey]

===================

 

Ah! You didn't mention this.....

 

This is what to do.

 

PLAN B

 

1) Smear glycerine on Clavinova keys and stool and buff to a polished finish.

2) Spread the rumour that the Clavinovist graduated from the Brixton Academy

3) Learn Zeff Conray's "Dizzy fingers" and play this as a final voluntary

4) Tell everyone how much your grandmother loved Sankey and the music of Graham Kendrick

5) Try and introduce buzz-words into every conversation, such as "old style" and "old familiar tunes".

6) Demonstrate your superior comtemporary knowledge with liberal references to "Organ Bass", "Indi", "Bass Line" and "Trance" music

 

To further undermine the self-confidence of said woman, pay compliments to her hairstyle and dress sense, at the same time suggesting that "Young people just don't have the same sense of style."

 

Question her hearing by suggesting that the Clavinova is "way out of tune".

 

If she is a confirmed spinster or a dedicated housewife, send anonymous Valentine's Day cards with roses, with a collage of printed letters glued to the card, suggesting that she has a secret admirer at church.

 

Three months of this, and she will become increasingly paranoid and seek spiritual refuge elsewhere.

 

If the above measures fail, there is always the expedient of 'Warfarine' in the church sugar-bowl, which should be handed to her with a smile and with the spoon handle pointing towards her. When she has used the bowl, you slip and drop it, get the church vacuum cleaner and clear up meticulously.

 

If all the above fails, I know a chap who did 25 years for something or other, but his fees are a little steep I'm afraid.

 

 

MM

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This is simply excellent advice. I would also get a copy of "The Source, volume 3" and sit down with her and go through every song in it enthusiastically until she goes mad. This should not take too long. Also talk about how wonderful spring harvest is and how you wish you could go every year, if only you had time. You will soon have her eating out of your hand, saying just the right things you can use for her agreement to whatever you wish to do and you can then do whatever you like.

 

You can have my copy of The Source, volume 3, Delvin. I bought it by accident and want to get rid of it quickly.

[Guest delvin146]

This is simply excellent advice. I would also get a copy of "The Source, volume 3" and sit down with her and go through every song in it enthusiastically until she goes mad. This should not take too long. Also talk about how wonderful spring harvest is and how you wish you could go every year, if only you had time. You will soon have her eating out of your hand, saying just the right things you can use for her agreement to whatever you wish to do and you can then do whatever you like.

 

You can have my copy of The Source, volume 3, Delvin. I bought it by accident and want to get rid of it quickly.

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Well, I don't know what to say, I'm truly touched by all the kind advice. It has been suggested that over exposure to "The Frog Chorus" might also give her inclinations to direct her efforts elsewhere, she is a truly wicked frog. My predecessor calls her "The Frog Lady". I suppose it's not her fault she has glaucoma, and frog eyes. I might try to programme it so it plays the frog chorus for the first hymn on their sunday, it loads from disk you see, re-recorded so she doesn't have to touch it. Step 2 is to fuse the thing.

[Guest paul@trinitymusic.karoo.co.uk]

Well, I don't know what to say, I'm truly touched by all the kind advice. It has been suggested that over exposure to "The Frog Chorus" might also give her inclinations to direct her efforts elsewhere, she is a truly wicked frog. My predecessor calls her "The Frog Lady". I suppose it's not her fault she has glaucoma, and frog eyes. I might try to programme it so it plays the frog chorus for the first hymn on their sunday, it loads from disk you see, re-recorded so she doesn't have to touch it. Step 2 is to fuse the thing.

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'Fraid these solutions (though amusing) are mostly going to make more trouble for you than for her.

 

I suppose you've tried going to God's Local Representative for advice? Clutching at straws I know. Even so, It would be worth making sure your clergy-person understands that you're trying your best to be patient in a frustrating situation. I am not particularly good with people, and after years of trying I have discovered that an awful lot of other people don't keep personality problems confidential at all and.....instead of this back-firing as you'd expect.....

they ......

.....have an easier time of it, actually! You see, they can maintain that you are the problem and be believed if nobody in authority has heard the full story!

 

It ought to be worth letting priest or wardens (or equivalent, if you're in a non-CofE place) know that you are experiencing serious frustration. The likely truth is

1. you probably won't be alone, and something might just be done to help you

2. they may well have much greater opportunity to sort this out and, ultimately

3. it does no harm (in these days of known organist-shortages) for them to realise that you might at some point be tempted away if things are not as happy as they should be.

[Guest delvin146]

'Fraid these solutions (though amusing) are mostly going to make more trouble for you than for her.

 

I suppose you've tried going to God's Local Representative for advice? Clutching at straws I know. Even so, It would be worth making sure your clergy-person understands that you're trying your best to be patient in a frustrating situation.  I am not particularly good with people, and after years of trying I have discovered that an awful lot of other people don't keep personality problems confidential at all and.....instead of this back-firing as you'd expect.....

they ......

.....have an easier time of it, actually!  You see, they can maintain that you are the problem and be believed if nobody in authority has heard the full story!

 

It ought to be worth letting priest or wardens (or equivalent, if you're in a non-CofE place) know that you are experiencing serious frustration.  The likely truth is

1. you probably won't be alone, and something might just be done to help you

2. they may well have much greater opportunity to sort this out and, ultimately

3. it does no harm (in these days of known organist-shortages) for them to realise that you might at some point be tempted away if things are not as happy as they should be.

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You speak a lot of sense Paul. Actually what's happened is that God's representative and I decided it was logical to start a new choir with those who were less able, but enthusiastic and mix in the worship group which to all intents and purposes became a little redundant once someone capable of playing the organ to a reasonable standard and choir training was appointed. The church had never expected to get anyone. I had been previously told that the music was in a dire state at the church, and was asked to sort it out really. Of course the worship group refused to have anything to do with traditional church music when I arrived, (bearing in mind they only really turn up once a month). Actually they're far too busy singing songs rather badly so I hear down the local pub and arranging their own concerts in church over the head of the director of music. The previous organist is extremely old, to put it kindly his playing had seen better days. The musical standard in nthe church had hit the depths - no wonder nobody enjoyed standard repertoire! Rather stupidly I think, God's representative backed down when push came to shove at a big meeting we had. Apparently "pistol put to the head" by the worship group that they'd all walk out. Of course that meant bums on pews would be less. But I had hoped they'd all walk.

 

The thing is, this group would love to see the back of me, it's just what they want. Because I know they want me to resign, (and have tried all manners of non-co-operation and slagging off of our newly formed choir(, it makes me all the more determined to stay there.

 

I actually had no problem in telling one of the worship group leaders I thought they were obstructive to music in the parish. I point-blank refused to apologise like God's rep wanted me to, because I have no remorse for what I said.

 

Hope this makes sense.

[Vox Humana]

I suppose it's not her fault she has glaucoma, and frog eyes.

Rats. I was going to suggest wooing her and... and... but I suppose in the circumstances that's out of the question.

 

Because I know they want me to resign, (and have tried all manners of non-co-operation and slagging off of our newly formed choir(, it makes me all the more determined to stay there.

How very unchristian of them. God's Representative should be stamping firmly on that sort of thing. If they only really turn up once a month, they don't have much of an argument, do they? If the music is that important to them they'd attend as regularly as the organist.